My parents have been in the country for a little over a year now. When they are "home" everything feels right in the world. Not only do I enjoy being able to spend time with them, but when they are near I feel like I have a safety net for my life. When I'm overwhelmed with a decision or emotional issue, they offer support by listening and giving wise counsel. If my car breaks down, my dad is close enough to talk to and deal with the mechanics. When my bike is acting goofy and I've watched every how-to YouTube video in an unsuccessful attempt to fix it, I can just pick up the phone and know that I can get answers. Don't get me wrong, I don't turn completely helpless when they're near, but in the back of my head I know that if I can't do something or if something goes awry, it will be ok because I can call them and they will do their best to take care of the situation.
In eight days I won't have this luxury. Next Sunday they will be on a plane bound for war-torn Liberia, where they will reside for the next four years. This isn't their first trip or move to Africa; they have lived in Africa the past eight years. But, for some reason, it never feels like it gets easier to say goodbye. And quite honestly, it is completely overwhelming to think about all the big and little things that will be missed in the next four years. Because of the living conditions there, communication will be spotty at best and they will no longer even be just a phone call away.
This has been weighing heavily on me for the past few weeks. The feeling of impending change has actually been even more of a reason for my silence on here than my busy schedule. You see, I have this bad habit of burying my head in the sand, so to speak, when I get overwhelmed with something. (I would say "like an ostrich", but did you know that ostriches don't actually bury their heads at all? Animal Fiction). Instead of dealing with it head on, I become passive-aggressive and only deal with the little bit I have to until it blows over. Unfortunately, this even carries into my relationship with God. Instead of running to Him and handing over my burden, I hold on to it tightly and dig my feet in. I cling to the illusion that I am on my own in this world, independent and need to just toughen up and deal with it.
Isn't it funny how often we do that? When we feel threatened, we so often run to what feels comfortable, yet provides no comfort whatsoever. I've been putting up these familiar defenses for several weeks now; they are so second nature that I didn't even realize it until this past week.
Last Wednesday as I was driving home from dinner with a friend and her parents, I became so angry- angry that the luxury of dinner with my family is about to disappear, that I don't even have a husband or in-laws to absorb some of the pain, angry that I'm not the one moving overseas, ect. As I began my usual "why God" plea, I found myself crying out, specifically, that I don't want to have to be so strong; I'm exhausted from having to be so tough, to have handle everything on my own again. This feels more unfair to me than the fact I won't get to spend time with my parents for the next few years. I finished my drive home, in tears, and went to bed feeling upset. I buried the emotions back up and didn't think about them again for the rest of the week.
The sermon's theme at church Sunday wasn't about strengths and weaknesses, but at one point my pastor referenced the words of Paul in 2 Corinthians 11:30 -If I must boast, I will boast about the things that show how weak I am. It stuck out to me as if the words were being spoken in bold print. I knew God was whispering a reply to my prayer from last Wednesday. Being proud of weakness is such a foreign concept to me, that it took me a couple of days to mull over the thought.
This summer, I am doing Priscilla Shirer's, Gideon Bible study with a group of women at church. On Wednesday, during this week's lesson, 2 Corinthians 11:30 (same one as Sunday) was referenced and expanded upon. If God was whispering to me on Sunday, he was screaming at me Wednesday! This time it was used in conjunction with the story of Gideon in the Old Testament. God took away all human possibility of Gideon success, in order that for there to be no room to doubt God's supernatural power in his accomplishment. God's strength isn't just strong enough handle difficult situations, it actually specializes in impossible situations.
Weakness seems to be the theme of my life at the moment. So, here I am, boasting that I am weak. I'm not near as strong as I like to think I am, but that is actually something to be more proud of than thinking I that can do it all on my own. If the purpose of my life is to glorify God, and I believe it is, what glory does He get if I can do everything on my own? Where is my faith if I can trust Him for all the little things in my life, but can't hand over the things that matter most to me? Why even have a relationship with Him if I'm not willing to depend on Him to take care of me?
In 2 Corinthians 12:9 Paul once again talks about boasting in his weakness. He asks God to take away the "thorn in his flesh" that is persisting...
And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.What little earthly strength I do have is nothing compared to His eternal might and He is offering HIS strength in the place of my weakness. His grace already has it covered.
I am so thankful to serve a God that not only desires to commune with me, but also seeks me out. I woke up at 3:00 this morning with these scriptures on my mind. As I struggle, my prayer is that I will soon be able to think, say and deeply believe what Paul went on to say in verse 10 of 2 Corinthians:
Therefore I am well content with weakness, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
"All that I cling to, I lay at your feet,
Your grace is sufficient for me."
Posts
0 comments:
Post a Comment