Sweet Surrender

Today has been a REALLY long day. It's 9 PM and I'm just getting home.  I worked 1/2 day, drove an hour each way to the hospital, spent the afternoon with my grandad, who's in ICU, and my parents, taught five piano lessons and went on a wild goose chase to four stores in an unsuccessful attempt to find a new power cord for my router. I am physically and emotionally drained. 

My heart is heavy as I type.  My parents are set to leave in less than two months, my only living grandparent is in ICU and has had a rough day, emotions are high among all the extended family, the current events make me miss my Grandmother- who at the time of her death, six years ago, was my best friend - and I'm coming home to an empty house for what seems like forever. 

Today, as I've questioned God, argued with Him, and struggled to rest in both His prescence and promise, He has gently reminded me once again of my time with my niece. 

This weekend Kinsley stayed with my parents and me for a couple of hours while my sister got her house ready for Mother's Day lunch (I got the fun job!). Early in the evening Kinsley got fussy.  She was already tired, but I was determined to play with her before putting her down (BAD decision). Her sleepiness grew stronger and stronger as her whimper grew into an inconsolable fit.  I sang to her, bounced her, cuddled her, and rocked her, but nothing calmed her down...until Mother came in. 

You see, Kinsley sees me once a week but she sees my mom everyday.  Mother was able to immediately calm her, BUT she had some difficultly getting her to sleep. Kinsley was so sleepy she could barely keep her eyes open, but every time they would shut she would jerk awake in a desperate attempt to not succumb to what she needed most. It was as if she was afraid she was going to miss something, but ironically enough, the only thing she was missing was what she needed most. 

You may be wondering how this has anything to do with my day.  Well, I am Kinsley. I have spent time and have a relationship with God, so I know to go to Him for comfort when I'm upset, much like Kinsely with my mom.  I should be able to trust that my source of comfort knows what will actually bring comfort and what I need, and yet I fight it, afraid I am missing something. 

The theme of loss, separation and sacrifice currently seem so strong in my life. Instead of embracing it and letting God comfort me, I find myself struggling in His arms, quietly demonstrating that I think I know what is best for my life. I silently shout my ingratitude rather than sing a song of thanksgiving. I find myself jerking around rather than surrendering and accepting whatever He wills. 

Kinsely finally gave up fighting, snuggled in my mom's loving arms and slept peacefully.

"Come unto me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." 

-Matthew 11:28-

10,000 Reasons