Only the Lonely

Sometimes it's just a fleeting thought.

It is often a sudden jab in the gut.  

There are moments that it is a physical ripping in the chest.  

And, on rare occasion it is a crippling emotion that overtakes the senses.

Loneliness.

We all have felt it at some point or another.

Young or old.

Single or married.

Male or female.

In a crowded room or a secluded place of solitude.  

And yet, the word itself is often whispered between even the closest of friends as if is the biggest and most important secret in the world.  Actual conversations on loneliness seem to be even more taboo.  Those that are brave enough to utter the word tend to be viewed as weak and are quickly cut off with a list of reasons and set of remedies.  Or, worst yet, looks of both pity and relief.

My name is Adriane and I often experience bouts of loneliness.  

There.  I said it.

I see no shame in admitting to feelings that we ALL share and can relate to.  

I've tried every solution I can think of and then some.  I've prayed more, read my Bible more, made new friends, dated more people, spent more time focusing on others' needs, spent more time taking care of myself.  You name it, I've tried it.  And where these all have taken my mind off of the deep ache of loneliness, none of them have worked as a 'cure'.  Believe me, if there was a twelve step program to completely rid oneself of loneliness, I would be the first to sign up. 

But there isn't and emotions are rarely, if ever, that black and white.  Loneliness is part of "the human condition".  None of us live in a state of loneliness 100% of the time, but it is always present.  It shows itself in waves, sometimes rolling in when we are our happiest.  

Moving as a child, college, having parents leave the country, relationships, travel, moving as an adult and jobs changes all contribute to a life that can be categorized as "transitional".  I am convinced that transition is a breeding ground for loneliness.  I am no stranger to feeling lonely, yet I am no more a victim than anyone else.  

I've always viewed loneliness as a curse.  I usually seek to rid myself of the painful yearnings that walk with loneliness.  In fact, I've spent years building walls around my heart as a form of protection.  I have never been able to see its positive attributes, until recently.

The past few months have been filled with new depths of loneliness and a level of heartache that I haven't felt for almost a decade.  My first instinct as these feelings overtook me was to start rebuilding the walls- to protect myself.  But, luckily I am blessed with wonderfully wise friends and family that encouraged me to feel every emotion, to sit still and grieve, to have the knowledge that it would feel worse before it felt better, and that all of this is normal.

So, I quit fighting the feelings of utter aloneness.  I gave them to God and allowed Him to use my brokenness as a tool in my life.  Even now I continue to obey and trust that He can take my pain and use it to transform me.  This process has proven to be one of daily surrender and dependence.  Surrender that has allowed me to see loneliness from an entirely different perspective and be thankful for it.

I am realizing that the harder I've struggled to resist loneliness, and in essence pain, in the past, that the more independent, self-centered and unteachable I have become.  That which could be my greatest tool to better understand and love both God and others, has become the very thing that has kept me stagnant and even more isolated.

As I reflect on the past few months, I can visibly see God's hand in my life; in the role I play in others' lives; and in my purpose.  I have experienced a fullness and joy that I didn't think possible.  By allowing God to comfort me in my depth of despair, I have risen to a higher place of faith.

We all experience loneliness, pain and suffering.  Although each occurrence looks vastly different and hurts to various degrees, no instance is insignificant.  We all walk a tight rope in this life.  We can allow circumstances and emotions to push us over the edge.  They can cause us to freeze with fear, requiring much less of us.  Or, we can trust that we have a safety net and obey the small, still voice that whispers for us to keep on walking by faith.  The same voice that promises to transform us in the process and gives us hope that the very thing which threatens to break us can actually lead us to the only thing that will make us whole.

THIS is the view of the wilderness named loneliness that I am currently clinging to.  It is the perspective I pray becomes reality and unchanging as I am overwhelmed with the things life  continually throws my way- a perspective that yields purpose in pain.  

The following are favorite books that remind me that God can use every hardship in this life for His good purposes: 

"Where is God When It Hurts?" by Philip Yancey

"Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist

"Loneliness" by Elisabeth Elliot

God sets the lonely in families,

    he leads out the prisoners with singing;

but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.

-Psalm 68:6-